Learning to trust is one of life's most difficult tasks.
~Isaac Watts
All right all right all right
I'm certainly well past the point of protesting that my life resembles anything that would appropriately be labeled "normal."
My mom is okay: there are a few small lesions in parts of her body that don't take kindly to cancer cells, and she's stable on chemo, functioning as per usual. Unlike last time, I'm not in the inner circle when it comes to receiving information. I joke about how difficult it is to be an only child, and still not be the favorite, but truth be told, being on the outs is easier than Doting Daughter Duty. I am choosing to be grateful for how things are, rather than resentful about how they aren't.
My month of radio silence has been eventful. Get comfortable:
I learned that you cannot, in fact go home again, if "home" means returning to a work situation from a decade ago. Got to be the pinch-hitter in a messy situation and was effectively thrown to the wolves. After brushing myself off and collecting the random bits of myself to re-attach later, I blow torched the bridge behind me. That move is in direct opposition to the "Keep Every Option Open" teachings of my youth, but we are doing things differently here in the Empire these days.
I had a weird lunch with a long-ago boyfriend, who is now married. I'm not even sure what that was about for him, but I made him pick up the check. The last time we shared a meal, he told me that he was marrying someone else, and we split the check, so I figured he owed me lunch! It was one of several interactions I've had in the past month with men I've dated, and my blowtorch is getting a lot of use these days: I wish to move forward, thank you.
I did in fact meditate with MAX, and felt a little disappointed when I put my hands on him and felt... nothing. Not even an inkling of a vibe. Until I got a beverage, and felt energy from the cup. And picked up my keys to go home, and felt energy from them. I feel something from everything! I realized that MAX must be the most energetically pristine object I've ever touched!
The other thing MAX did for me was get me thinking about time travel, which I've never really considered before. Evidently, the experts at the British Museum have been unable to determine which tools were used to create MAX, which is how they normally figure out the dates of such artifacts. What they do know is that we couldn't re-create him now, as he's formed from several streaks of quartz, and the tools do not currently exist to carve into that kind of striated crystal without shattering it. We do not have the technology. I'm just saying.
The weekend after that, I participated in a weekend of ecstatic dance, led by Vinn Marti, who currently lives in Portland. I think he may have studied with my first teacher, Gabrielle Roth, but I found him much more accessible, and I'd like to study under him to teach this stuff, this dance, this moving meditation. I'm sure I wiggled out a few more blocks that weekend, and I gave away a piece of jewelry that I no longer needed.
Somewhere in all of this, I became aware of the Camino del Santiago. It started with a couple of words that the facilitator used in talking about MAX, and somehow I came to know that Shirley Maclaine identifies with these ideas as well, and she has walked the Camino.... I borrowed her book from the library, and, while Ms Maclaine's spiritual & metaphysical accounts weren't my cup of tea, I am called to walk the Camino.
Now you know.
I've started walking, up to six miles, a couple of times a week. Soon, I'll be the Chick in the Crumpled Cowboy Hat, walking everywhere in my neighborhood. I'll be like that running dude in Silver Lake.
Amma came to town a couple of weeks ago, and I was pleased to be able to receive her darshan again this year. I hugged her back, which you aren't supposed to do, but I did it without thinking. When I realized what I was doing, I lowered my hands some, which only made things, ah, more awkward. She didn't seem bothered, but I would recommend placing one's hands on the armrests as requested. I wonder if my spiritual development will ever stop looking quite so much like a Jerry Lewis movie.
At the end of that week, on June 20, my niece was born after a 17-hour labor. Her mom is tiny, with a spine that curves in a less-than-traditional way, so the long labor was to be expected. Mother and daughter are both beautiful and healthy, and we couldn't be more thrilled.
In fact, I was inspired to get my first-ever tattoo in honor of another person last Tuesday: a flower that represents one of her middle names (like her father and aunt, this child required four names), and a ladybug in flight that recalls a fantastic day I had last summer with my brother and sister-in-law, rescuing ladybugs. The only requirement for me getting a ladybug tattoo was that it not be cheesy, and I am happy to report that my ladybug is very cool, and I will get to meet my niece in person this August.
I led another healing circle this month, that was different and cool. Really, anything involving crayons has got to be good!
And I've decided at the last-minute to rock the dreads again this summer. You see, I'm going to Big Sur for the month of July, and I cannot bear the thought of bringing a blow-dryer to the central coast!
I've got a flurry of activity planned for my last week in L.A., things like getting in a last-minute dance session and attending a breathing circle before I hit the road... I'll be attending a talk on discussing spiritual matters with skeptical audiences, and having lunch with the Ultimate Skeptic: my mother.
I don't know how often I'll be able to post in July, but I'll check in when I can.
Have a good Summer...
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Life is not life at all without delight.
~Coventry Patmore
Different things are delighting me lately, but I'm grateful to be delighted at all!
Have you ever heard of the Crystal Skulls? I hadn't, but now I'll be meditating with one of them, MAX, at the end of the month. That's his name: MAX. I'm psychokinetic and clairsentient, and MAX is said to have some powerful juju, so I reckon I ought to go meet him while he's in my town, you know?
And what about Lily Dale, NY? A whole town full of healers and mediums, just a couple of hours from Buffalo and Niagara Falls. A4 is from Buffalo, so I had a chance to visit just enough to know I want to see more, and, as close as we were, I never made it to Niagara Falls, where I have always wanted to go. This Summer hasn't even begun, and I'm already plotting next year's vacation! Ha!
Oh, and speaking of this summer, it was time to submit our schedules for July, and I took a deep breath and turned in a schedule that only goes as far as July 4. Because I'm wait-listed for my work study program that begins on the 5th and I just have. to. wait. I'm a little wiggly about it, but I have half a dozen back up plans if the work study doesn't happen, so it's all good.
I've been spending time with an old colleague of mine, who moved away, but is back in the City of Angels for just a few weeks. We weren't close before, for lots of reasons, but we're just drawn together now. She's got powerful energy, and, well, it just feels good to be around her. Delightful, in fact!
Tonight, I called off my plans to be of service to others, and stayed in to be of service to myself. I stopped by Trader Joe's to pick up a few of my favorite healthy snacks, and then came home and tended to my long-neglected hands and feet, chatted on the phone with a girlfriend while I carefully shaped my eyebrows, indulged in a lavender-salt body scrub before taking a long, hot shower.
Now, I'm going to make an enormous salad with all my favorite things on it, and go see what's on the DVR....
Different things are delighting me lately, but I'm grateful to be delighted at all!
Have you ever heard of the Crystal Skulls? I hadn't, but now I'll be meditating with one of them, MAX, at the end of the month. That's his name: MAX. I'm psychokinetic and clairsentient, and MAX is said to have some powerful juju, so I reckon I ought to go meet him while he's in my town, you know?
And what about Lily Dale, NY? A whole town full of healers and mediums, just a couple of hours from Buffalo and Niagara Falls. A4 is from Buffalo, so I had a chance to visit just enough to know I want to see more, and, as close as we were, I never made it to Niagara Falls, where I have always wanted to go. This Summer hasn't even begun, and I'm already plotting next year's vacation! Ha!
Oh, and speaking of this summer, it was time to submit our schedules for July, and I took a deep breath and turned in a schedule that only goes as far as July 4. Because I'm wait-listed for my work study program that begins on the 5th and I just have. to. wait. I'm a little wiggly about it, but I have half a dozen back up plans if the work study doesn't happen, so it's all good.
I've been spending time with an old colleague of mine, who moved away, but is back in the City of Angels for just a few weeks. We weren't close before, for lots of reasons, but we're just drawn together now. She's got powerful energy, and, well, it just feels good to be around her. Delightful, in fact!
Tonight, I called off my plans to be of service to others, and stayed in to be of service to myself. I stopped by Trader Joe's to pick up a few of my favorite healthy snacks, and then came home and tended to my long-neglected hands and feet, chatted on the phone with a girlfriend while I carefully shaped my eyebrows, indulged in a lavender-salt body scrub before taking a long, hot shower.
Now, I'm going to make an enormous salad with all my favorite things on it, and go see what's on the DVR....
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
It is not fair to ask of others what you, are not willing to do yourself.
~Eleanor Roosevelt
Criminy, you know, I think it's just going to be a little jaunt to Vegas, but... why does everything I do turn out to be an existential journey?? I suppose if you're going to have a 21st century vision quest, Las Vegas is the place to do it.
I've never been to Las Vegas by myself before, and it was pretty great to get to do it my way. Since the Upheaval, I've developed a groovy little travel style which involves traveling light, searching a city for hidden treasures, community-building, and coming home a little bit better than I left.
I checked out the Imperial Palace which, based on my stay, I would recommend without hesitation! I read some bad reviews, but I got two nights there through http://www.hotels.com/ for a total of $82. I don't gamble, and I didn't eat at any of the restaurants, but the room was clean and spacious, and the hotel is smack in the middle of the Strip, across from Caesar's Palace and the Mirage, there's loads of free parking, and the monorail stops there, too. I guess it depends what you want from a hotel: I want it to be clean, quiet, and centrally located. Oh, and cheap! So, you know, I was happy.
Walked down to the Wynn the first night for drinks with Big V and her fella. He was disconcertingly handsome, which was sort of cool. Between his rakish good looks and her business acumen, I felt like we fit right in there at the Wynn.
Mike Tyson walked by, and we three speculated for a minute about what his date must be thinking. We all decided she was in it for the money.
We headed over to Mr Lucky's 24/7 in the Hard Rock Hotel, and ordered up three of the Gambler's Special: a 5-oz flatiron steak, 3 grilled shrimp, mashed potatoes, and a salad for $7.77. It's not on the menu, you have to ask, so you know, they thought I was cool. We stopped by the new tattoo parlor and watched three drunk people get tattooed at once, while more drunk people ("You rang?") watched and mocked. No thanks. I'd rather suffer the ghetto rig in Gabriel's dining room. Which, you know, I don't. He has a shop, now.
The next morning, I drug my hungover ass out to breakfast off the strip, at a place called Hash House A Go-Go. My only complaint, if you can call it that, was that the portions were enormous! No one to split them with, and no kitchen, so I had to let a lot of food go to waste. Honestly, it's worth searching that place out next time you get to Las Vegas.
After that, I stopped into a nearby Trader Joe's for some electrolyte water and Emergen-C... why did I have three Manhattans at the Wynn? Then I headed back to the Strip, to Tix 4 Tonight, to get tickets for Ka, the Cirque du Soleil show at the MGM Grand. I was hoping to get the cheap seats for even cheaper, but instead, I got the best seats at the cheap seat price!
What I didn't know was that once you pay your money at the Tix 4 Tonight booth, you still need to go to the theatre box office to exchange your vouchers for actual tickets. It was a nice day, not too hot, so I decided to walk. My pedometer said I walked nearly six miles that day, and a good portion of it was my jaunt down the Strip to get our tickets to Ka. Totally worth it: I've been pretty sedentary, and you know I've gained weight lately, so it felt good to move.
I also discovered the joys of wearing my iPod in the casino. People who travel with me are used to me wearing ear plugs in airports. There are too many announcements and too many snippets of other people's conversations... all that input just wears me out! When I travel alone, I use my iPod, but it was only because I was walking so far that I thought to listen to music. When I entered the casino, I went right on listening. It muffled the dings of the slot machine, and the drunken babble of the huddled masses. Much better!
I cruised by the Lion Habitat, and watched a coupla fellas sitting with the lions, all of them hanging out, the guys stroking the backs of the lions absent-mindedly while conducting an animated conversation. I've been close to some big cats who were caged, and it still scared the bejeepers out of me. I do believe a lion would be obligated to devour me, based strictly on my skittishness and their lion-hood. I have a lot to learn about remaining calm.
Got my tix, took the Monorail back, and went for lunch at the Mirage. There's a burger joint there called BLT, and although the food was delicious and the service excellent, I can't recommend it, for two reasons: first, they won't seat a solo diner at a table. Not even a small one, in the middle of an empty restaurant in the middle of the day. If you're single, you sit at the bar. They almost lost me, but the nearest choice I could see was a California Pizza Kitchen, and I do my best to follow Bean's hubby's rule of Not Eating Anyplace While Traveling That I Could Eat at Home. So I sat at the bar, and got chatted up by the handsome bartender. Not altogether unpleasant, I suppose, but I had wanted to do some journaling. At a table.
The second reason I don't recommend the place is that it's expensive. Burger, fries, and a coke, plus a 20% tip came out to, are you sitting down... $27. Yes, the burger was good, and it had fancy cheese on it, but come on. Plus, in L.A. we have places like 25 Degrees and The Counter... I can get a gourmet burger here, for less. And they'll let me sit at a table.
After lunch, I went shopping in the Caesar's Palace Forum Shops. I was already tired, and shopping in stores where even the largest sizes were too tight didn't help. I saw my second fighter (if you can call him that) in 24 hours: Hulk Hogan, riding around the mall on a Rascal scooter he doesn't need, with his daughter, and another young blond who was either her friend or his girlfriend... or both. All of them on those little scooters. The M.A.C. store offered a brief respite (makeup always fits!), and then... (cue the angels singing) DKNY was having a sale! Two of the best dresses I ever had were DKNY, and... now I have another! At 10% off (almost enough to go back and have another burger at BLT. Almost.)!
Back to the Imperial Palace (across the street... did I mention the price?) to shower and put on my pretty dress and new lipstick before Big V and her fella came to take me to Carluccio's, an Italian restaurant formerly owned by Liberace. The waitress regaled us with ghost stories that were totally worth the merely okay stuffed shells that came with the stories. I'm told the tortellini are better, but I doubt I'll ever return to find that out...
And then... Ka.
What can I say? I've seen a handful of Cirque du Soleil shows in the past, and they never fail to inspire me (okay, except Zumanity. Seriously. Pass.). Ka did not disappoint. Whatever else is wrong in the world (and there is a lot, people, are you paying attention?), watching these people do things that would have never occurred to me to try always renews my faith in what is humanly possible. And so it did.
The rest of it was sort of a blur: we had seen the late show, and everyone had to work the next day (even me!), so they gave me a quick hug and shoved me out of the car at my hotel. The next morning, I was up and out by around 8am, pausing only to get an apple fritter and a chocolate-striped twist from Ronald's Donuts (you must try them!) and an iced venti whatever before hitting the road back through the desert to home.
I rolled into work 15 minutes late, bladder bursting, heart full, happy I took the trip!
~Eleanor Roosevelt
Criminy, you know, I think it's just going to be a little jaunt to Vegas, but... why does everything I do turn out to be an existential journey?? I suppose if you're going to have a 21st century vision quest, Las Vegas is the place to do it.
I've never been to Las Vegas by myself before, and it was pretty great to get to do it my way. Since the Upheaval, I've developed a groovy little travel style which involves traveling light, searching a city for hidden treasures, community-building, and coming home a little bit better than I left.
I checked out the Imperial Palace which, based on my stay, I would recommend without hesitation! I read some bad reviews, but I got two nights there through http://www.hotels.com/ for a total of $82. I don't gamble, and I didn't eat at any of the restaurants, but the room was clean and spacious, and the hotel is smack in the middle of the Strip, across from Caesar's Palace and the Mirage, there's loads of free parking, and the monorail stops there, too. I guess it depends what you want from a hotel: I want it to be clean, quiet, and centrally located. Oh, and cheap! So, you know, I was happy.
Walked down to the Wynn the first night for drinks with Big V and her fella. He was disconcertingly handsome, which was sort of cool. Between his rakish good looks and her business acumen, I felt like we fit right in there at the Wynn.
Mike Tyson walked by, and we three speculated for a minute about what his date must be thinking. We all decided she was in it for the money.
We headed over to Mr Lucky's 24/7 in the Hard Rock Hotel, and ordered up three of the Gambler's Special: a 5-oz flatiron steak, 3 grilled shrimp, mashed potatoes, and a salad for $7.77. It's not on the menu, you have to ask, so you know, they thought I was cool. We stopped by the new tattoo parlor and watched three drunk people get tattooed at once, while more drunk people ("You rang?") watched and mocked. No thanks. I'd rather suffer the ghetto rig in Gabriel's dining room. Which, you know, I don't. He has a shop, now.
The next morning, I drug my hungover ass out to breakfast off the strip, at a place called Hash House A Go-Go. My only complaint, if you can call it that, was that the portions were enormous! No one to split them with, and no kitchen, so I had to let a lot of food go to waste. Honestly, it's worth searching that place out next time you get to Las Vegas.
After that, I stopped into a nearby Trader Joe's for some electrolyte water and Emergen-C... why did I have three Manhattans at the Wynn? Then I headed back to the Strip, to Tix 4 Tonight, to get tickets for Ka, the Cirque du Soleil show at the MGM Grand. I was hoping to get the cheap seats for even cheaper, but instead, I got the best seats at the cheap seat price!
What I didn't know was that once you pay your money at the Tix 4 Tonight booth, you still need to go to the theatre box office to exchange your vouchers for actual tickets. It was a nice day, not too hot, so I decided to walk. My pedometer said I walked nearly six miles that day, and a good portion of it was my jaunt down the Strip to get our tickets to Ka. Totally worth it: I've been pretty sedentary, and you know I've gained weight lately, so it felt good to move.
I also discovered the joys of wearing my iPod in the casino. People who travel with me are used to me wearing ear plugs in airports. There are too many announcements and too many snippets of other people's conversations... all that input just wears me out! When I travel alone, I use my iPod, but it was only because I was walking so far that I thought to listen to music. When I entered the casino, I went right on listening. It muffled the dings of the slot machine, and the drunken babble of the huddled masses. Much better!
I cruised by the Lion Habitat, and watched a coupla fellas sitting with the lions, all of them hanging out, the guys stroking the backs of the lions absent-mindedly while conducting an animated conversation. I've been close to some big cats who were caged, and it still scared the bejeepers out of me. I do believe a lion would be obligated to devour me, based strictly on my skittishness and their lion-hood. I have a lot to learn about remaining calm.
Got my tix, took the Monorail back, and went for lunch at the Mirage. There's a burger joint there called BLT, and although the food was delicious and the service excellent, I can't recommend it, for two reasons: first, they won't seat a solo diner at a table. Not even a small one, in the middle of an empty restaurant in the middle of the day. If you're single, you sit at the bar. They almost lost me, but the nearest choice I could see was a California Pizza Kitchen, and I do my best to follow Bean's hubby's rule of Not Eating Anyplace While Traveling That I Could Eat at Home. So I sat at the bar, and got chatted up by the handsome bartender. Not altogether unpleasant, I suppose, but I had wanted to do some journaling. At a table.
The second reason I don't recommend the place is that it's expensive. Burger, fries, and a coke, plus a 20% tip came out to, are you sitting down... $27. Yes, the burger was good, and it had fancy cheese on it, but come on. Plus, in L.A. we have places like 25 Degrees and The Counter... I can get a gourmet burger here, for less. And they'll let me sit at a table.
After lunch, I went shopping in the Caesar's Palace Forum Shops. I was already tired, and shopping in stores where even the largest sizes were too tight didn't help. I saw my second fighter (if you can call him that) in 24 hours: Hulk Hogan, riding around the mall on a Rascal scooter he doesn't need, with his daughter, and another young blond who was either her friend or his girlfriend... or both. All of them on those little scooters. The M.A.C. store offered a brief respite (makeup always fits!), and then... (cue the angels singing) DKNY was having a sale! Two of the best dresses I ever had were DKNY, and... now I have another! At 10% off (almost enough to go back and have another burger at BLT. Almost.)!
Back to the Imperial Palace (across the street... did I mention the price?) to shower and put on my pretty dress and new lipstick before Big V and her fella came to take me to Carluccio's, an Italian restaurant formerly owned by Liberace. The waitress regaled us with ghost stories that were totally worth the merely okay stuffed shells that came with the stories. I'm told the tortellini are better, but I doubt I'll ever return to find that out...
And then... Ka.
What can I say? I've seen a handful of Cirque du Soleil shows in the past, and they never fail to inspire me (okay, except Zumanity. Seriously. Pass.). Ka did not disappoint. Whatever else is wrong in the world (and there is a lot, people, are you paying attention?), watching these people do things that would have never occurred to me to try always renews my faith in what is humanly possible. And so it did.
The rest of it was sort of a blur: we had seen the late show, and everyone had to work the next day (even me!), so they gave me a quick hug and shoved me out of the car at my hotel. The next morning, I was up and out by around 8am, pausing only to get an apple fritter and a chocolate-striped twist from Ronald's Donuts (you must try them!) and an iced venti whatever before hitting the road back through the desert to home.
I rolled into work 15 minutes late, bladder bursting, heart full, happy I took the trip!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Information is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information upon it.
~Samuel Johnson
I started the day with a meeting, and I have to say that I am always blown away by the way that people come together and share so honestly while we work through our stories on the road to better lives. It was intense, and amazing, and I loved it!
The walk was about half a mile, and when I got there, I was delighted to see that the greasy-spoon diner I used to go to for hungover breakfasts with my sullen boyfriend had been transformed into a cool-but-not-hip little hole in the wall with healthy food, rockin' music, and a pleasant, tattooed waitress. Even the restaurants are recovering! I took a seat at the counter and wrote on my step-work until my breakfast came...
Turns out, I've still got to do Math and something like Anthropology or Women's Studies. Math has never been my strong suit, though, and I need to complete a prerequisite before I can take the Math class I need to transfer, so it looks like I'll be spending a bit of time at the City College this Summer or Fall, and then again in the Spring.
After I met with the school counselor, I ran an errand and went back to the apartment to do my Weekly Home Blessing, which I guess was infectious, because before I knew it, the OBF was cleaning his bathroom, and loading up the dishwasher I had just emptied. After an hour, everyone had clean sheets on their bed, and the apartment smelled as clean as it looked.
We opened a bottle of wine, which we shared with his date before they went off to the movies, and I got some quality time with my boyfriend TiVo. The wine and the balmy evening got me feeling a little heady, and a little lonely... I searched my mind for a man to call, and came up empty. It would have been easy to fill my night (and my bed) with a Lower Companion, but we are Doing Things Differently, now, and the next fella that gets in these knickers is going to be a man of quality. Someone who cares about me, not just about getting his yayas for the night.
My decision was confirmed when I opened the computer and was greeted with a pair of friend requests. One was from a-- well, let's just call it like it is-- douche bag that I kept company with a decade and a half ago. No note, just the request, and a picture of him looking as douchy as he ever was. Ignore and block, thank you. The next was from my sister-in-law's mother. I met her once, at the wedding a few years ago, and was wondering why she would friend me, and then it hit me: she's about to be a grandmother to the same baby that I'm about to be an aunt to. Whoa. Confirm. Most definitely.
For the past three years, I feel like I've been writing about nothing but gonads and strife, and it's nice to have my family growing, my horizons expanding, my adventures taking me farther than the inside of some retreat center... it's nice to see my life finally beginning to be about more than getting over getting dumped.
And if that means I still have an unknown quantity of sleeping alone nights... well, at least I have clean sheets on the bed!
Sunday Morning Edit: The Empress spoke too soon! The sheets are clean, but this morning I woke up to find one of the Ronin's long black hairs woven firmly into one of them. That strand of hair managed to survive a move of apartments and at least half a dozen washings just to show up and vex me this morning. I let myself miss him for about twenty-seven seconds before depositing it in the toilet and getting on with my morning. And I'm only writing about it here, because I think it might mean something that I don't understand yet. *sigh*
We opened a bottle of wine, which we shared with his date before they went off to the movies, and I got some quality time with my boyfriend TiVo. The wine and the balmy evening got me feeling a little heady, and a little lonely... I searched my mind for a man to call, and came up empty. It would have been easy to fill my night (and my bed) with a Lower Companion, but we are Doing Things Differently, now, and the next fella that gets in these knickers is going to be a man of quality. Someone who cares about me, not just about getting his yayas for the night.
My decision was confirmed when I opened the computer and was greeted with a pair of friend requests. One was from a-- well, let's just call it like it is-- douche bag that I kept company with a decade and a half ago. No note, just the request, and a picture of him looking as douchy as he ever was. Ignore and block, thank you. The next was from my sister-in-law's mother. I met her once, at the wedding a few years ago, and was wondering why she would friend me, and then it hit me: she's about to be a grandmother to the same baby that I'm about to be an aunt to. Whoa. Confirm. Most definitely.
For the past three years, I feel like I've been writing about nothing but gonads and strife, and it's nice to have my family growing, my horizons expanding, my adventures taking me farther than the inside of some retreat center... it's nice to see my life finally beginning to be about more than getting over getting dumped.
And if that means I still have an unknown quantity of sleeping alone nights... well, at least I have clean sheets on the bed!
Sunday Morning Edit: The Empress spoke too soon! The sheets are clean, but this morning I woke up to find one of the Ronin's long black hairs woven firmly into one of them. That strand of hair managed to survive a move of apartments and at least half a dozen washings just to show up and vex me this morning. I let myself miss him for about twenty-seven seconds before depositing it in the toilet and getting on with my morning. And I'm only writing about it here, because I think it might mean something that I don't understand yet. *sigh*
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
~Robert Frost
It's been over three years since the Upheaval, and if you've been paying attention, you know that I've been dog-paddling my way to recovery ever since. It's not graceful, and it hasn't been very efficient, but I've made lots of progress.
What I'm marveling at today is that while every Big Proclamation or Sweeping Change I have tried to make in the past three years has been a complete and total flop, a thousand tiny changes have come together to make my life different and happy. The Relationship Spring Cleaning has given me a little more of a nudge by freeing up some time that I am in no hurry to fill.
Just like physical de-cluttering, it can be a little unnerving to sit in a newly empty space and wonder what might come it to it.
I've been researching 529 plans for my yet-to-be-born niece, and talking to friends about it. I've been explaining that when I graduated/dropped out of high school, there was nobody in my life who could help me get through the college process. The only two college graduates in my family had died years before. I had been born when my mother was the same age as many college juniors. I had no help, no support, and just as I had since I was five years old, I fell through the many gaping cracks in the American educational system.
I don't want that to happen to my niece. Neither of her parents have college degrees, so statistically, there's about an 80% chance that she won't get one either (just like me!), but in the event that she's willing, I want her to be able. And unless my fortunes change for the better, her Auntie Juju won't be able to give her a full ride to Yale, but I might just be able to make the difference between not going at all and going to State College. Or between State College and the school she really wants. Or, you know, a semester's books at Yale, haha.
All this talk about the support I didn't get when I was younger, and the support I'm working to provide when I am older got me thinking about the support I'm capable of giving and receiving right now.
So I have an appointment this Friday to meet with an Outreach and Recruiting counselor at the University where I do Job #2.
After which, I'm running errands, getting The Mobile Empire washed and waxed, and stopping by the AAA to pick up a map of Las Vegas, where I'm headed next week to visit a girlfriend, do a little hiking and shopping, and see a big fancy show. Life goes on...
~Robert Frost
It's been over three years since the Upheaval, and if you've been paying attention, you know that I've been dog-paddling my way to recovery ever since. It's not graceful, and it hasn't been very efficient, but I've made lots of progress.
What I'm marveling at today is that while every Big Proclamation or Sweeping Change I have tried to make in the past three years has been a complete and total flop, a thousand tiny changes have come together to make my life different and happy. The Relationship Spring Cleaning has given me a little more of a nudge by freeing up some time that I am in no hurry to fill.
Just like physical de-cluttering, it can be a little unnerving to sit in a newly empty space and wonder what might come it to it.
I've been researching 529 plans for my yet-to-be-born niece, and talking to friends about it. I've been explaining that when I graduated/dropped out of high school, there was nobody in my life who could help me get through the college process. The only two college graduates in my family had died years before. I had been born when my mother was the same age as many college juniors. I had no help, no support, and just as I had since I was five years old, I fell through the many gaping cracks in the American educational system.
I don't want that to happen to my niece. Neither of her parents have college degrees, so statistically, there's about an 80% chance that she won't get one either (just like me!), but in the event that she's willing, I want her to be able. And unless my fortunes change for the better, her Auntie Juju won't be able to give her a full ride to Yale, but I might just be able to make the difference between not going at all and going to State College. Or between State College and the school she really wants. Or, you know, a semester's books at Yale, haha.
All this talk about the support I didn't get when I was younger, and the support I'm working to provide when I am older got me thinking about the support I'm capable of giving and receiving right now.
So I have an appointment this Friday to meet with an Outreach and Recruiting counselor at the University where I do Job #2.
After which, I'm running errands, getting The Mobile Empire washed and waxed, and stopping by the AAA to pick up a map of Las Vegas, where I'm headed next week to visit a girlfriend, do a little hiking and shopping, and see a big fancy show. Life goes on...
Monday, April 27, 2009
When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep.
~Kahlil Gibran
I think the difficulty with the above sentiment is that some of us are a little confused about whether what's beckoning to us is actually love...
~Kahlil Gibran
I think the difficulty with the above sentiment is that some of us are a little confused about whether what's beckoning to us is actually love...
As a result of my Relationship Spring Cleaning, I have a lot. more. time.
I've been getting to bed early, getting my housekeeping and bookkeeping done, and generally getting myself firmly planted on the road leading out of the mini-depression I seem to have found myself in. Is it possible to have Seasonal Affective Disorder if you live in Los Angeles? Is it only about the weather, or can all the Holiday displays and Christmas music set it off? I'm just wondering...
Saturday, I got up and took my time doing a careful Morning Routine. By the time I left the house, my bed was made, my dishes were done, my apartment was tidied up, and I had a car full of Things to Mail, Return, or Handle (I still do... it's Errand Day).
I had a delicious breakfast with the Long Lost Friend... we have so much in common, she feels like a sister to me. Parallel experiences, and all. We ended up going shopping for clothes, and while it doesn't sound fun to take my size 14 body shopping with my size 2 friend, we had a great time! The nice thing about shopping with someone who has such a different body type is that when I find something I really love that doesn't look good on me... it will probably look great on her! We did buy the same top in different colors, though: size medium for me, and extra-small for her. Ha.
As we were leaving, I glanced up at a light fixture that looked like upside-down parasols and was reminded of a bar in the Wynn hotel in Las Vegas. I casually remarked that I'd like to go back to Vegas, maybe see a show, do some shopping, have a spa day... The LLF said it would probably be best to do that sort of thing in the middle of the week, and I agreed.
Sunday morning, I got up e-a-r-l-y and picked up a friend of mine who is in town to study with my teacher David Elliott. We had breakfast together, bonded over our break-up stories, or more accurately, over our healing-from-breakup stories. He's a good friend, and I'm glad we're part of each other's stories now.
When I dropped him off at his workshop, I had the chance to scoot inside and get hugs from David and some of my healing colleagues. By 9am, I was smiling and shaking my head with the awareness of just how much love is available to me, when I claim it.
And by 10am, I was strolling the Studio City farmers' market with yet another friend that I know through Esalen. We attended the Worst Workshop Ever together, and now we're sort of foxhole buddies. We checked out the petting zoo, sampled some of the local, in-season delicacies, looked at hand-made jewelry, and bought some treats and snacks for the week ahead.
More hugs as we took our leave, and, on the spur of the moment, I decided that I needed. to. dance. Now. So off I went to Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, one of the many weekly free-form dance events we are lucky enough to have in Los Angeles (think morning rave without the blinkie lights, booze, or drugs... wait, no, think dancing in your living room with more people and, let's be honest, better music). I shook my fattened, lazy body all over the room for a couple of hours and, wouldn't you know it... MORE HUGS!! All over Los Angeles, people that I thought hadn't noticed me were welcoming me back to the fold, telling me how much they've missed me, and how much they like my new, short hair. One fella decided that he liked it so much he wanted to spend a few minutes running his fingers through it, and because I encourage free expression, I let him. Ha.
When I was leaving, I picked up a flyer for a workshop that my dance teacher is leading in... are you sitting down? Bali at the end of the summer. As I crossed Venice Blvd, reading the flyer and trying not to get hit by cars, I thought, If the work-study thing doesn't happen in July, I am going Bali. Heck, I might go anyway, if the funds exist. Which they might.
I came home to make a delicious dinner of gnocchi with garlic and roasted heirloom mini-tomatoes and talk to the OBF about my desire to return to Las Vegas. He heartily agreed that it would be good for me to take a mini-break when I get the chance, and told me that I must see Ka! when I do.
This morning, I woke up early and found a good friend of mine online. She lives in Ohio now, but our schedules are such that we get to chat online several times a week. Especially when I get up early! She mentioned that she's going to be visiting family in Las Vegas next week, and that she'd like to see Ka!
It didn't take much for me to fire up the old search engine and see that rooms are available at a hotel I'd like to stay at for less than $40/night, and that tickets to Ka! are also available on one of my two mid-week days off. The Universe doesn't need to make it any clearer to me: I'm going to hop into my recently-serviced car next Monday, and head North by Northeast for a couple of days. And the OBF told me where to find the ticket liquidator he used to get half-price tickets to the show, so I'm thinking it's entirely possible for me to do the whole trip for about $200, not counting the sexy new shoes I'm planning to buy myself, if I find them.
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