It's A4's birthday today, and I wish him well.

It's been nearly four years since the Upheaval, and Forgiveness has finally set in. For both of us.

It's lovely to be able to think of the good times we had, and not feel that hot little ball of AngerShameRegret in my belly. It's lovely to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and not think Unwanted, Unloved, and Alone... It's lovely to have walked through the darkness and come out the other side. I'm still me, but I'm a better version of me. Because of the Upheaval. Because I had a reason to heal, something to heal from. Boy, did I!

So thank you, A4, and Happy Birthday.

I was supposed to attend a meditation class in Berkeley last weekend, but on Thursday evening, I got a call that the class had been canceled. Slightly disappointing, as I had a date planned for Saturday night, but driving all that way strictly for a dinner date seemed a little extravagant.

So it worked out that I went to visit Bean on Friday, and my date, also a friend of hers, met me there Saturday.

The weekend as a whole was just what I needed: I feel rested, loved by my friends, appreciated by a kind, handsome man, and just happy with my life in general.

Friday night, I made it to a meeting in Monterey that has become my "regular" meeting when I visit there. Afterward, I stopped at Whole Foods to get some snacks & dinner... Whole Foods is too pricey for me to shop at all the time, but when I am traveling, they are a welcome haven. I can get fresh, hot meals, and whatever hippie supplies I forgot I needed when I was packing to travel. I did just that, and picked up a hot sandwich, a weekend's worth of Kombucha, and some Dr Bronner's peppermint soap. Just for the tingle.

After that, I went up to the house... Bean's family were out at a show and the barn was c-o-l-d! Luckily, I had prepared for that, and brought a heater... also, the new Stephen King novel, weighing in at over a thousand pages! I spent the first night bundled up & reading in bed... it took all night and part of the next day for my little heater to get such a big space toasty, but it finally did! Saturday, my friends had a funeral to attend in a neighboring town, so I had the whole day to re-arrange the loft in the barn (they use it for storage, and I use it for sleeping, so there's always work for me to do to make it nice again!), take a loooooong, hot shower, and get about a hundred pages into that book.

The fella arrived Saturday afternoon, while I was walking the dog... he had been out Friday night with another friend of ours, who is the hardest-partying drinker in our crowd, and my fella was hung.over! After a night like that, he gets major points for showing up at all! He was also bearing a couple of roasting chickens, and salad greens... We had a nice visit in the afternoon, while he re-hydrated and settled in... and our first kiss. We have good chemistry, and I felt comfortable with him. It doesn't hurt that he has every-color eyes... I've never seen anything like them.

When Bean called to let us know they'd be home in an hour or so, we went into the house, and the fella roasted two chickens, while I got to catch up with Bean and play with the baby. The chicken was AMAZING! It was so simply done: just rub salt & pepper all over them, inside & out, and he laid a few pats of butter on top of them, and then put them in a 375-degree oven until the meat thermometer showed 165. Simple, and perfect.

After dinner, and after the baby got put to bed, the four of us got in the hot tub for a while (fantastic thing to do on a cold night!) and chatted, but we were all pretty tired, so the fella & I went back to the barn... I had already made a lovely bed up in the loft, and kept it warm. He usually sleeps downstairs when he visits, but it was crowded & cold down there, and we like each other, so he stayed with me. Which was lucky, because after reading Stephen King all afternoon, I had a terrible nightmare, and it was nice to be able to snuggle up to a tall, strong fella! Which was all we did, so you can put your dirty minds to rest.

Sunday, I made breakfast for everyone, and the Bean Family were off for another adventure! The fella cleaned up after breakfast, we spent some time chatting in the fresh air and warm sunshine, canoodled a little more, and then got to work re-organizing the storage downstairs in the barn to make way for the air hockey table Bean just got off of Freecycle. We had a good time working together, and the fella took some breaks to play the drum kit that lives in the barn. He's a new drummer, and pretty good!

The whole weekend was pretty much perfect, and after a goodbye kiss, I got on the road at 5pm. A few hours later, I got a nice text message from him, which made the rest of the drive sort of fly by. I was home by bedtime.

I awoke this morning to learn that I've been accepted into the work-study program at Esalen, toward the end of the winter. I don't know how I'm going to afford another month off of work, but something tells me it will work out just fine.

I've had a cold for a few days, now, and although the fever's gone (is it still a "cold" if you have a slight fever? Whatever....), my sinuses are still unhappy, and I'm tired... but I cannot spend another day lying on the couch and watching TV!


During the Upheaval, I had an acupuncturist tell me that my energy reserves were completely depleted, and that's how I've been feeling lately: like my gas tank is empty, and the reserve tank is down to fumes.

I haven't seen my acupuncturist since June, before I left for Esalen... time just got away from me, and then money seemed tight because I hadn't worked for a month, and before I knew it, it's been nearly half a year since I've gotten help keeping my chi flowing! So I called and made a standing appointment for the first Monday of every month, starting in December.

And I got the annual birthday letter from my health insurance provider that everyone looks forward to: "You're older, so we're raising your monthly premium by $30!" I got online and found a plan with less coverage, but that still suits my needs just fine (I'm grateful to say that I'm pretty healthy... I generally see the doctor once a year for a check-up) for $50 a month less than I'm paying now. So, I guess the letter was a good thing.

I've been on a new de-cluttering and down-sizing kick, and I realized that I haven't really done that since I moved into this place last February. Every time I move, I end up with a bunch of stuff that worked just fine at the last place, but is sort of in the way now, and it feels good to create still more space in my daily life. The better I feel about myself, the less stuff I need.

As the holidays approach for the fourth time post-upheaval, I find myself breaking the pattern of the last three years, which was to white-knuckle through them, pretending that they weren't really happening, because life doesn't look the way I want it to, yet.

This year, I'm giving up on what a long-ago boyfriend used to call "Don't-Count Time," and I'm embracing my life exactly as it is. Which on many levels is pretty darn great... my dissatisfaction has been coming from comparing my life to the echo of a vision that didn't even belong to me.

All I want for Christmas is a Clean Slate!

So this year for Thanksgiving, I'm hitting the road to spend Turkey Day with a house full of vegetarians, diabetics, lactose-intolerant folks, and other Picky Eaters... I guarantee it will be the Weirdest Thanksgiving Feast Ever!

Here we go...

October is the fallen leaf, but it is also a wider horizon more clearly seen. It is the distant hills once more in sight, and the enduring constellations above them once again.
~Hal Borland

The Santa Ana winds haven't come. They usually do in October, but not this year. It's a pity, because I've come to see them as an annual visit from my beloved desert, a reminder that things are not what they seem, even when they appear dried out and lifeless.

What October did bring this year was the Very Scary Work Thing, the collapse of what seemed at first to be a promising romantic relationship, the death of a long-ago friend, the evaporation of some hopeful plans I'd made, and finally, the Thud! of a last-minute Halloween cancellation that seemed the cherry on a ghoulish sundae.

Imagine my delight at waking, rested and energetic this morning at 6:15. In November.

I got right to work with my Morning Routine, clearing the detritus of a sad, sad month... later, bed made, bathroom sparkling, with the laundry in the washing machine and breakfast in my belly, I went out into the world to wash and gas up the Mobile Empire, and seek provisions for the coming week.

I cleared out the dead roses that have graced my dresser for too long, and replaced them with sunny yellow ones.

I paid the rent, made a menu plan for the week, and chose the clothes I'd like to wear to work tomorrow.

I invited three friends over for dinner and board games Thursday night, and made plans to go for burgers with another friend on Friday.

I penciled in a 12-step meeting for Monday, and a hooping (as in Hula-) class for Thursday afternoon.

And I got a call from Paul, letting me know that his Spidey Senses are telling him that tonight's ceremony is shaping up to be more of a party than a "ritual," after all... so, even if the Empress never made it to the ball last night, she still gets a fiesta today.

What's up for me, more and more lately, is that it's time to wipe the slate clean of everything I've been thinking I want, and frolic in the empty space that creates. I've gotten a little attached to my intentions of late, and I think it's made me somewhat intense. Hard to believe, but true ;)

Let the wild rumpus begin...

Car crashing into garage door = new and improved garage door.
~Anonymous

I've been on some sort of autopilot since returning from Esalen in August... it hasn't been unpleasant, but this morning, I took alook around my bedroom and thought, Who lives here? It doesn't feel like me anymore. Which I think is fantastic, because the "me" of the past few years was some version of Breakup Girl, and now I'm... well, not.

Lately, my life involves a lot of Road Tripping up & down California, living with the OBF (so much better than living alone!), and dating like a "normal" person. Meaning that I'm no longer worried that every man I connect with is the Last Chance Ever.

Somehow, I went from wearing business suits every day to being this dreadlocked, tattooed Earth mama, who occasionally trips up the coast to dance, or lie around naked. It's all pretty good, and I'd like to make some more changes, so that my outsides better reflect my insides, which are all pretty and shiny these days.

I'll keep you posted.

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
~Jonathan Carroll

I did trip, literally, a week and a half ago! It did not escape my attention that the person who helped me up and asked if I was all right was not my lover. In fact, he never asked.

Still, there was enough good stuff there that I chose to hang around a while longer and see what unfolded, but not much more did. I was shown the door last Friday. Ouch!

Thank goodness the OBF & I had tickets to see Cirque du Soleil that afternoon. It's nearly impossible to wallow in self-pity when you're at the circus with your best friend. Afterward, we sealed the deal with BBQ from Outdoor Grill. The Empress is a free agent, once again.

It's actually been sort of a magical few days...

Saturday night, I went to a gallery opening at Art & Mayhem with a friend of mine... we went down the street to Viet Noodle for a bite to eat and some good conversation afterward. On Sunday, I led a breathing circle (that went really well), and afterward I ended up at the same cafe with a different friend, and more good conversation.

Yesterday was a day off, so I went down to the Korean spa for a milk & honey body scrub... I used to love going for the scrubs, where I always say they scrub you like you did something bad, but Miss Perchina turned me onto the milk & honey thing... after the scrub, they rub you like you did something good... and they do it with honey!

All sorts of scintillating happenings this week, alone: Hair Day is Wednesday ("Change your hair, change your life!"), I've got drinks on Thursday with a new friend, and Friday, I'm teaching meditation at a new-to-me location. The OBF & I have a good costume planned for the Haunted Circus themed bash we're attending Saturday night, and on Sunday night, I'll be breathing with the inimitable Paul du Gre. If anybody can hold space for clearing out the cobwebs after my recent adventures, it's him. But the milk & honey thing really helped...

There are all kinds of opportunities and invitations flooding in, and I'm in a space to embrace the abundance.

Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most.
~Bob Dylan

Every so often, a white-out happens. A month ago, I felt grounded and happy, and for the past few days, I've been feeling surrounded by landmines. Like if I make a move in any direction, everything will be blown to bits.

It started with the Very Scary Work Thing... which is exacerbated by its inherent limitation to not discuss it publicly. The people who could offer me the most comfort are my colleagues, and I can't talk to them about it. It also laid claim to every weekend in November and December, making it impossible for me to leave town, which is my favorite hard reset.

This all happened in the middle of a growing romantic connection that hit its own speed bump without any help from me. So here we were, trying to stabilize from that, and the Empress gets hit with some shaky First Chakra stuff. Sexy.

Okay, so now we've had a couple of big hits to my Root and Creativity/Sexuality centers. Working our way up, we get to Chakra 3, the-- whatdoyoucallit? where Captain Kirk and Mr Spock sit?-- "control center?" It's how I navigate, how I know who I am, and right now, the information that's jamming my wires tells me that who I am is someone who is at risk for not being able to support herself the way she knows how, and who may have opened her heart way too wide for someone who, however attracted he is to her bright-and-shininess, appears unprepared to receive and ground out her squidginess. For what it's worth, he has a life of his own, and though he's been stoic, it's entirely possible that his lower Chakras are getting a little shake-up of their own. Just a thought...

Terrible timing, though, this one-two punch.

My acupuncturist told me once that when my-- BRIDGE! They control the ship from the bridge!-- isn't fully engaged, that my Heart Chakra takes over, and emanates a force field to keep me safe. And while I appreciate the help, "protection" just really isn't my heart's area of expertise, and so it usually does a sloppy job.

In the face of a perceived threat (say, for example, when my livelihood feels threatened, or when Love appears to be retreating from my open, happy space), my autonomic nervous system has a default setting of "Freeze." I didn't choose it consciously, of course, it's a factory setting, but I highly prefer it to "Fight" which can render things irreparable, or "Flight," which carries the inherent risk of returning to empty, ransacked spaces. I've done it, but the re-building takes a lot out of me.

Built on a foundation of Survival Issues, with a ground floor of "LOVE ME!", moving up through a self-image that's currently wandering in a House of Mirrors, and passing through a panicky, paralyzed heart, we find ourselves arriving at the Throat Chakra. Poor little Throat, what can she say? "None of this is really me, but it's kind of running my life right now, and I need YOU to see through the illusion so that you can reach past it and infuse me with enough of YOUR groundedness such that it will wash all the way back down through this convoluted sticky stuff that has me bound like Gulliver with a million tiny threads, any one of which would be insignificant, but they have ganged up on me, and now I'm motionless and embarrassed?"

That's pretty good, actually...

Having uttered my run-on sentence plea for help, we need to follow it and see whose listening.

The next Chakra up is my Third Eye, my center of intuition. Still me, but me... higher. Down on Level 3, housewares, linens, sense-of-self, there's a nice view into the treetops which is pretty peaceful, but when the storms hit, you want to be up here on Six where you can see above the clouds...

I guess the person that gets to help untie the threads is Sixth Chakra Juju. The one who gets what's going on, here, who knows the back story and understands what buttons are being pushed.

Listen, my brain already knows that I am a perfect child of God, and that everything is happening for a good and Divine reason. But there's this little ball of whatever inside of me that screams bloody murder the moment my footing gets shaky. So we have to do this methodically.

Ultimately, we end up at the Empress' favorite Chakra of all: The Crown. The place that connects our humanity to the Divine. That's where the good stuff happens. That's where we get to drink a cold beer and pay attention to what's in front of us, instead of the creeping fears that we'll never earn another dollar or wake up next to someone who loves us. That's where we know that, even if those realities do come to pass, we are perfect, whole and complete, so we might as well just relax into the day.

I knew I'd get there (here?) the whole time, but life is about the journey, right? It's the process that matters, really.

Right?